The Big Hormone

Woes of a Father of Fifteen Year Old Girl

That day had been just like any other day. I went to work and then went home. Shortly after entering my house, I noticed the large array of flowers sitting prominently on the bar and became confused because I knew I had not sent them. I was so panicked; I could not even remember the date as I quickly went down the checklist of things I may have forgotten. Let’s see, birthday?....No. Anniversary?....No. Mother’s Day?...No.

My wife was standing there quietly enjoying my dilemma as she let me twist in the wind. As I ran down the dates in my mind and finally came to the conclusion I had not forgotten something important, I became indignant. If I did not send the flowers to my wife, then someone else did. I wanted to know exactly who would be sending flowers to my wife and I wanted to know why. I finally blurted out, “Who sent you these flowers?”

With a mysterious smile on her face, my wife retorted, “No one.”

“What do you mean no one? The flowers are right there in front of me.”

My wife was enjoying this way too much when she replied, “They are not for me.”

Now completely perplexed I said, “But if they are not for you, then whose are they?”

This was the moment for which my wife had been waiting all day. “The boy across the street sent them to Rachael.” I had not even considered the fact someone would send flowers to my little girl. My wife said the look on my face was priceless as it went from relatively smooth to the many wrinkles you see today.

The big hormone from across the street began shuffling its way into my house wearing its baseball cap backward. Knowing where the hormone lived made hormone defense easy. I adjusted all of my floodlights so they lit the hormone’s bedroom window. I planted shrubbery that blocked the hormone’s line of sight. I could aim all of my guns in the same direction, just in case of emergency. All of the defensive maneuvers would inhibit unwanted hormonal activity. I had things under control.

Sensing her Dad was too confident, Rachael broke up with the hormone across the street. This made her a hormone free agent. Hormones began descending upon my house in droves, throwing me into a state of confusion. I planted shrubbery in the living room. I did not know where to aim my guns.

I am now a hormone expert. I will share my knowledge with those of you who have not yet experienced hormone warfare. There are certain characteristics of all hormones. All hormones wear their caps sideways. All hormones wear their father’s pants. All hormones keep their hands in their pockets. The only time they remove their hands from their pockets is when they are about to grope your daughter. If you see a hormone at your house with its hands out, knock it over the head, wrap it in duct tape and put it out front with the rest of the garbage. All hormones are deaf. You can hear their music two minutes before they get to your driveway. This is an early warning system, giving you time to prepare for the battle.

If you all will follow this advice, we can win this hormone war together. I will have to go now; I hear the sounds of Twisted Sister. I need to get my duct tape.

Randy Russ
http://www.randyruss.com/